I Pretend I Don't Care, But Deep Down It Still Hurts...!!!

Talking to a friend today, over phone, something unusual happened.  I won’t get into the details, but the bottom line is: I realize how I lost him and many other friends that I once used to have. Something happened earlier this year that changed me completely as a person. After that incident, I was no longer the sweet, caring person that I was. I stopped caring about several things that were of utmost importance to me once.

Incidentally, that incident collided with the starting of my Blog “O my Heart” and my status in my facebook profile. After that, my “friends” thought of my changed behavior as something like a by-product of the little fame I started to get. They took my careless attitude towards everything as arrogance. No one cared enough to find out exactly why I was like this. Instead, they chose to ignore me, hate me about how mean I am.

But remember, I don’t care? I had other things to take care of. Unpleasant things and so, slowly, the distance crept in. And I didn’t care. I was too busy writing silly post on my blog to keep myself engaged and away from things I didn’t want to, and wasn’t capable of dealing with.

And today, I realize that the distance now is too much to be filled. I’ve lost them, and I’ve lost them for good. They liked the boy I was. They hate the boy I am. I have been told these things, in very clear words, coming from their mouths, more than once.

I want to tell them, and I know they are reading this, that it’s not like I’m not sweet anymore. It’s just that I have chosen a set of people to whom I’ll be so. Some of them appreciate it; most of them don’t give a shit. But then, it’s not a lifetime deal, is it? I’ll realize when is the limit and I will stop. And they won’t even notice. Just like you didn’t.

Anyway, back to the point now. Who’d wake up nights for me? When I ask myself this question I often used to think about before, I feel nothing but sadness. I’ll do a lot of things for a lot of people. Lot of things I don’t tell other people I’m doing because they’ll tell me what the truth is: I’m being used. But I can’t help it. I’m kind of incapable of thinking rationally. I have two extremes: Either I can be exceptionally sweet to someone, or I can be exceptionally rude to them. And there is nothing in between.

I love them, and I’ll do anything for them. But will I get the same treatment that they get from me? Will they do the same things for me? Will they do even half of it for me? Even 10%? No, they won’t. No one will.

Who’d wake up nights for me? No one. And I might pretend that I don’t care, but the truth is: I do. Everyone does. I just try to ignore all that and keep myself busy, writing some more stupid post about my feelings and experiences. Truth is hard to face.

P.S I sometimes feel jealous of people I am sweet to. I wish someone treated me like that.

Sometimes, why do I feel so different?

Why does my brain work differently than others? I'm not just talking about my depression and anxiety, but I mean really different. Like, the whole bigger picture.

I think differently than other people. I see things they don't see. I understand things they can't even begin to imagine. I'm more realistic, down to earth, observant, and aware.  I'm not normal. It's not normal. I'm not just talking about like, regular things. Maybe you are going to have absolutely no idea what I'm trying to say, but I'm going to try anyway.

All my life I've felt different. Almost special, like I can do things and understand things other people can't. I hate myself more than words can describe. But always since I was little, there has always been SOMETHING different that I just don't understand and can't explain. And other people see it in me too. My guidance counselor, teachers, even my parents recognize it sometimes. And for my parents to recognize it, means something is really there.

My whole life I have always wanted to make a difference to someone. I want to make an impact. Change the world. May be not the whole world, but the world of somebody. I feel like I was born different. Born with the ability to change something or do something important. I don't know what it is, but I feel so disconnected and different than everyone else.

I have an amazing ability to notice the unnoticeable.  Observe the most insignificant of details. Be able to tell when someone is lying. Focus on something like you would never think possible. I'm not an amazing writer, and most of time I face problem to find the right words to explain something, even when I can't say it out loud. I can always write it. I just feel so overly aware of absolutely everything. And I can read emotions off of someone's face like a book. It's almost like a game sometimes. Like go ahead, try to play me like a fool. I'm smarter than you think. I see through some people like clear plastic wrap. And it's funny because they have no idea. I learned at a young age how to pick out the manipulative lies from the truth.

My brain is always going. Never shuts off. It's always thinking about how to do things differently than how something is working now, or always trying to figure out what the other person is thinking. By looking at someone's face, I feel like I can almost read their thoughts based on their composure. It's weird. I've always been like that. I think that's where my anxiety stems from. I'm fully aware of when my presence isn't wanted, or someone is in a bad mood but I don't know why. Social anxiety disorder. I really think my skills in reading other people is a bigger obstacle than it is an asset.

Maybe this all sounds completely crazy. I think that sometimes. That other people must think I'm completely nuts. That frustrates me. I'm not crazy at all. I'm one of the calmest and most down to earth people I know. And listen, for me to give myself any credit whatsoever is ridiculously rare. So you know it’s not bullshit.

I don't want my life to go to waste. I want to find my purpose. I need to. In order for me to feel important, or like I'm not just wasting a life, I need to be able to do something important. I don't want to do insignificant things. I don't want to hold the same job for my entire life. Yeah, I'm only 25 and have the whole rest of my life ahead of me, but what if I don’t? What if my life ended tomorrow, or next week, or 3 years from now? What will my life have meant? Who will I have affected? Was I just a waste of space and resources?

Maybe I'm not different or special, but I'm at least a hell of a lot more aware of myself and social cues than anyone I know. I get overwhelmed with details sometimes. Like I have to try to remember everything about a new room I walk into, and every feature on a new person I meet. It gets frustrating when I can't absorb everything. My mom notices that about me. She sees how whenever we go into a new area, my eyes are darting everywhere and my brain is going a million miles an hour. I don't know why I do it. I think it just helps me understand more about the world. Why things are the way they are. Why people do certain things.

I'm always that person that has to know why things are the way they are. I hate not knowing, but I hate not understanding more. If I don't understand something, I'll ask a million questions and read about it until I do.

Or I'll write on here and ask you guys for your opinions. Why do you think I'm like that? What can I do in my life to find a purpose, or to help someone else, or just do something important?  I feel like I need to do something important. I always feel like it's up to me to save the world. Guess that's why I never bother to try to save myself. But seriously, what can I do? Please give me some input.

Alright, well that's my thoughts of the day. Hope I didn't confuse you as much as I confused myself!

Why I blog?

This post and the comments have given me the thought of  two main things: Blogging the issue of privacy & personal space and love.

Let me just talk about blogging today and leave Love for another day.

I think I am a kind of reserve person. I don’t like to talk about myself; it makes me feel vulnerable and exposed. But I can easily write about myself, I am much more comfortable writing about feelings than talking about them. I do not discuss the things that I write even with my parents. I cannot talk about my thoughts and feelings unless they directly concern. I cannot talk about everything under the sun with my family, and best friend. But I can write about everything under the sun on this blog even though most of the people that read this blog know me personally, I have handed them the link myself.

What does that make me: an open book or a closed diary?

Wasn’t this supposed to be my secret garden? Didn't I want a quiet corner where I could just write without the fear of being judged? I am much more agreeable in person and do not come across as someone who will have views on anything forget strong views. That’s why I started this journey. So that I can just be myself, express myself freely without feeling like a social out caste or without offending anyone. I do not know where this journey will take me but I do want to eventually share the blog with everyone I know.

I do like it when people read this blog, love it when they comment. I know this is not my diary or a private journal. But at the same time I am not writing for anyone else but me. I am writing in part because, I want to save some of the stuff that I scribble and record some of events as they happen to be read by me from 10 to 15 years later from today. But I am not recording my whole life ‘as it happens’ here. So this is just an attempt to leave some memories for my parents if that happens.

*Digression*so all you good people out there who know me personally, if I die prematurely, it will be your responsibility to direct my family to this blog. Yes, my parents are sweet; but they have no interest in finding out what their son is writing everyday for the whole world to see. They think I am crazy and belong to some cult that they have no interest in joining. There is no way they will read down till this paragraph. *End of Digression*

So back to why I write, another reason for writing is, it’s therapeutic for me. I always feel very light after I have written something. Like when you eat too much and feel uneasy and don’t know what’s wrong. Then you throw up and all’s well again. Yeah I feel like that after writing. That’s why it’s almost 5:00 am and I am still writing, because I just have to, I won’t be able to sleep if I don’t.

All the above reasons are all very noble or at least reasonable. But I am human after all, an attention craving one at that. So I know there will be days when I will write just to keep this blog going. I will write just so that people stay interested. I hope those times are few and far between and I don’t write unless I really have something to say. And I hope I never talk about the person (hypothetical situation) I had a girl in my life who was mean, rude and obnoxious. I hope this blog does not become a place to talk about unsuspecting real people who just happened to interact with me. Unless they are really mean. Even then I hope I can get back to them right there, in real life and just write the whole story, not just my side of it.

Will I still be a reserve person? Yes, because I am not here to tell my own story, just to present the view through my eyes. I have a feeling that the deepest, darkest thoughts still won’t find a way here in their law. I am not here to bare it all. I am just here to save the money that I will otherwise have to spend on a shrink.

So the answer to the all important question that is on everyone’s mind now: will the whole world know each time I’m fighting against my Karma.

People, who thought I was “PMsing” when I wrote this, raise your hands!)

No stick was thick enough to beat this feeling out of me....

After I’d been blogging for a while I began thinking about what I would want to say to my parents if they were to find my blog. And so I composed this letter.

—————

Dear Mom and Dad,

First of all, I love you.

Thank you for investing so much in raising me. Thank you for all the many, many happy memories. Thank you for the days spent romping outside, the weekend camping trips, and the sewing projects that went into the late hours of the night. Thank you for the evenings spent reading aloud, and for the map games we played at the dinner table. Thank you for always making an effort to involve us kids in your lives, dreams, and projects. There is a lot I am grateful to you for.

I know that when you find my blog what you read will cause you pain. I am truly sorry about that. You may wonder why I started this blog, and why I write about things on a public platform like this. Let me see if I can explain.

First, I blog because everything that happened left me scarred. A few years after I finished college, I found a circle of bloggers writing about my feelings. I saw myself in that writing, and I began healing. I joined those bloggers in writing about my experiences, and as I did I began to reach closure and a place of peace. I've been in therapy over what happened between us, and I've laughed and cried and made new friends. It has taken me years to sort through everything, but over time I've healed, grown, and figured out who I am. This blog has been a vital part of that process.

Second, I blog because I want to help others avoid the pain I have felt – and the pain you have felt. You see, I see problems with some of the beliefs and ideologies you hold. I blog against ideas I see as harmful, ideas I have seen cause people pain, whether myself, you, or others around us. I blog sadness for what might have been, what could have been, but wasn't. I’m angry about some of what happened, but mostly I’m sad. I blog in the hopes that others can avoid the problems I've seen and experienced. You taught me to be passionate about what I believe and to have a heart to help others. Well, I am, and I do.

You may wonder why I have kept this blog a secret from you. The truth is that at first it was because I was not strong enough to say these things without anonymity. Later I was simply afraid you might cut me off if you knew that I was speaking openly against the beliefs you hold so dearly. As I remember it, there was some question regarding whether I would be allowed to visit home after marrying against your wishes.

It’s so tiring waking up to a hostile atmosphere where no one listens and you’re forced to act like an adult and take care of yourself every single day.

Even when you try to fix things, nobody cares, because nobody listens.

I have been blessed with all the worldly pleasures one can imagine. My parents simply counter any complains I make by reminding me of all the money I spend, and all the expensive things they get me.

But do they ever lend me an ear?

No, I don’t want the latest cell phone and no, I don’t want go out to eat tonight. I just want my parents to listen to me and my problems and tell me that everything is going to be okay. What’s the point of these luxuries if happiness doesn't come along with them?

Even though I am old enough to stand up for myself today, I know deep down that I will always long for a hug from my father or just some time from my mother. No stick was thick enough to beat this feeling out of me.

Soon after I began blogging I wrote an account of growing up, and of how I experienced the trouble that occurred between us when I was in college. I know that you have your own interpretation of these events, and that I never really told you my perspective. Please read it with an open mind.

With all the love in the world,

Your Eldest Son,

Babu.

A Beautiful Pain, that I got LAST NIGHT.....

Silence, dark sight and I was coming out from a dark way. What a journey…!!!! Cold air touching the face feels heavenly. Sea sight with my beloved wearing red suite, watching sun rise in early morning, reddish clouds far from us, we sat together on the side stone putting our legs into the sea water, share all feelings about each other, funny jokes and for her lovely smile.

She was very happy and telling to me that I never want to lose you, “I Love You” although she knew that this society has built very tough laws for lovers. Everybody had questions on this matter either they are in the matter or not. But she was very happy on that morning, first time I gave her a rose flower to tag on the beautiful hair. I was very surprised that why I was not asking the questions which I want to ask her. She just tagged that flower on her hairs and give priceless superb smile. I was silently listening her. I want to give her all the happiness on that morning, why it was looking like this was the last day with her, even I don’t know and surprised how she came with me here to sea beach but she was with me that’s enough for me.

My all feelings towards her taking the shape on that morning.  After that we went to temple and attend the prayer together. I just close my eyes during the prayer and told to god for her life time happiness, I don’t want to see even single tears in those beautiful eyes in which I had experienced wonderful scenarios during the initial days. Now I was amazed that to see her in white suit, she was looking like “Angel”, I was thinking that initially she wore suite in the temple before prayer and now !!!!!!

I had no clue what is going on with me, I was just looking at her in the temple after the wish, and she whispered something to me that I could not hear at that time. It appeared that she wants to say something but she was silent, don’t know why? Something is there that I was missing. It was my mind that keeps saying that I am not present with her completely. She suddenly told to me my marriage is going to be fixed soon. I couldn't be with you soon. I just put my hand on my face and trying to console myself about this. I just open my eyes then I saw her wearing some green suite going far away from me in some circular dark tunnel, the tunnel was revolving very fast and I was shouting stop stop stop !!!!!!!!!! please stop.

Suddenly I realized that something comes out from my eyes, I opened the eyes and realized that this was the dream and found my reddish eyes with the useless drops. I amazed to see myself in this situation. I was remembering the day when I proposed her to be my life time best friend, because the one who couldn't be your best friend couldn't be your life partner. Last night itself it was raining, probably god knows about the future. 

  

Its truth that when you want to forgot someone, actually you are remembering them. Sometime I was laughing on myself and the scenario happening to me. It was a beautiful pain to me for that I was totally responsible. After that I was telling to myself “Let it be like this and I am ready to enjoy this situation”, “It might be the result of hectic situation in the office, nothing is like that I have felt in the dream”.

Waiting for the time when I will get the solution…..   

The random thoughts in my mind......

There has been period in my life in last one month, where I have been struggling to do things I want to do in life. It has been frustrating time in the life, I was unable to react the way generally I do but I could not find a valid reason for that. I was at a loss to find any reason. I looked exhausted and more so cup full with all his old thought so there is no scope for new thoughts.

Whenever I wanted to write anything, I had idea in my mind and yet I was unable to write in my laptop or in my diary (Writing dairy is much more complicated then writing blog). I could not understand why it is happening to me, and no answer was there.  I went on to read lots of new blog and also tried to get in touch with more new people so I can see got know how to write more new topics. But after all my efforts there was no response coming from my inner self. I questioned myself, my inner motivation and also to my belief of my thought process. 

It happens to most of time to any person when he starts repeating itself in his own work. I have been doing that for long time in my writing and also in my work. I have always tried to take a safer view rather than the view I have to publish. It all had lead to a mental block in my head which I was not able to overcome. I felt trapped and also totally bored in the way I took that thing. Personally it was a good thing to happen to me as it opened my eye up a little bit.

Life is strange; you never know what will motivate you and what will not. You always keep on re inventing yourself in thing world. Well people say it’s hard to be remaining a kid then how could our thinking be same all the time. How could we like the same thing and same thing will motivate me again. But sometime you can’t answer the entire question as some answer is best answered by TIME.

21st Century Love and Lovers...!!!

Why do most love stories end with great difficulty? Why do we always claim that he or she cheated in love and caused indelible pain? Is love the name of deep understanding and mutual relationship between two souls or is it just intense desire for physical intimacy? Why does the first love invariably mean sacrifice which is against social and Nature's laws? Why don't people get selfless love in return to their selfless love for me? Why don't people again embark on the journey of love after getting cheated once?

Well most of us will not be able to answer these questions in our life time. But fact is today love has died to its premature death. It is not love any more it is more than love more often or not. Love can wait but sometime other things can’t wait….RIGHT….

The other face is what I have seen is common in today world is that we kill our love story rather than others and we give it name of “breakup”. Some time it is mutual, as we are too mature to decide about our life and we know all about life. Some time it is done by one single person as he or she is not any more comfortable with the relationship or with the second person. The time has changes, person has changed and ever they don’t love each other anymore. So that part end in breakup. In the end you realize all the love is based on one simple pillar that is yourself comfortableness. You don’t love that person; you just make yourself believe that you love her. But do all the love story is like same? Are all love stories are fake?

Answer is NO but the major portion will say yes. But one thing is for sure most of us will never know what love is? Our definition might be seeing each other, understanding each other, talking to each other. Well you ask yourself does love is only this. It is more that this simple and stupid things. It is when you know you care for someone more than for yourself, you are willing to change yourself without even saying to her, you know you may not get her but you don’t want to lose the single movement with her. The love is strange feeling, you can’t get her but still you can’t stop yourself from loving her.

One thing I might put focus on is you don’t have to break everything to fix something. You might up regretting it. You only find one upon a time a person who can understand you with even your single word.

One of my friends who are always falls in love with someone or other one to me some time just said to me one thing. 

No relationship is perfect these days as we overlook the fact that what we have, always put more focus what we don’t have. Relationship is like that if you want to focus on good thing you will get the right thing but if you focus on bad thing then your ship is definitely on rocks.

 P.S.: I don’t know about love very much, but I think what sadden me is people in search of perfect love sometime leave those people behind who love them most. Some time you have to create your own perfect story rather than searching for perfect story.

My College life - The few question let unanswered....!!!!

As I look back to my college days, I definitely have some question which cannot be answered by many. I don’t want those question to be answered either just because some are question are best if they are unanswered.

But some time in life there are few incidents that will always haunt you. I think there have been ample of those incidents in my college life. Either it had been first crush or last bus rush, either it had been friends break up or in the end your own exam screw up. These incidents never ever leave you in life. It just makes you just more think about those incidents in life. My life has been always full of these types of incident. The biggest of them had been how people have changed in life, some time they are your friend and next movement they are your enemy. But as the thing stand in the end of the college there are no bad feelings towards about anybody (but except few whom we will never forget).

I think as the life stand today it has been good to me, either in college or in any other place. But why it has to screw us when we really need the good luck. And then you think it is all about luck only.

In the first semester all the class mates act as a good friend, they always try to only to good to all. But in the inner self are they really wanted to be like that? There equation with all changes depending on their need and the person ability. Every week you find the equation changing with all of them. Good thing for me was that I had a solid group from start because we all were from hostel. So I was fortunate but there were people who came in the group and left. I never denied we had a grouping in the class and it was evident in every event. 

But still I never hated any one and nor they. It was more like we were not able to get on with each other.

I always believed every individual is different but we have to something in common to be a good friend. But the thing gets difficult for you decide who is right and who is wrong. I have terrible in judging people but still I managed to get it right more often or so. But the matter of face is you wrong decision always haunt you rather than right ones.

In college life I have seen quite things. But those bad memories don’t last long as they never give you anything in life. I never sulked about it and never will just because I never wanted it to be like that. but then again you always expect others also to do the same. Then you learn in life the biggest lesson, if you are good with someone; don’t expect them to be good with you also.

You always end up thinking, why they hate me, why they ditched me or even some time you end up doing some nice analysis. But do we need that? We should be happy in our life or we should be more than unhappy due to some unknown reasons. It was more of memories in life which you can’t change.

Well I am now trying to move out of all those bad memories in my life because now all those memories are dying quite fast. I don’t have any time in life to think about past but yes still I don’t have lots of answer. I wanted them few time back but now I want to let it go.

P.S.: College you might have good time or bad time but one thing you should never change is yourself. In the end this will be the only thing which will be with you always in life.

My Heart Vs My Mind....!!!!!!

In Afternoon: 

My Heart says "She is there waiting for you".

My Mind says "Don't go she will ignore you".

My Heart says "She is a girl, cant you understand?"

My Mind says "Don't you have self respect?"

My Heart says "Don't see her ignorance, try to read the beautiful eyes"

My Mind says "Don't anticipate!"

My Heart says "God is with you. Carry on)"

My Mind Says “She hates you! "

My Heart says "Never! You haven't done anything wrong....If she hates you then why she would have come here"

My mind says " She don’t want to see your face"

My Heart Says "Then why these coincidence happened! Either God is listening you or God is not listening her or listening both)"

My Mind says "Just because of you, I have to spend restless time"

My Heart Says "Ha Ha Ha ) Always be positive, you don’t know what tomorrow will bring ! "

My Mind Says "She has to come once! Isn't it?"

My Heart Says "Don't worry! God is with you)"

My Mind Says "I want to make everything normal"

My Heart Says "Enjoy the time! You don't know what’s going on)"

My Mind Says "I will be losing control...this guy will be mad"
My Heart Says "Believe in God and be peaceful"



In Evening:


My Heart says  "Go out she is there"

My Mind says "What the hell..I won’t go"

My heart won’t say again...It knows i am already outside.

After seeing her there! I amazed Wow!!!!

My Mind "How do you know?"

My Heart "We are in touch"

My Mind”We?...What....How ?"

My Heart "#Believe That God Is In Both Hearts"




In Night:

My Mind says "Don't you say her to be more closer"

My Heart says "Don't you know She is a girl"

My Mind says "Why always I have to take step"

My Heart says "Because you have done everything wrong! What is the need to propose her in front of all and make that special event dramatic “

My Mind says "I said Sorry too!!!!!”

My Heart says "Doesn't matter!"

My Mind says "What to do? I have regret."

My Heart says "Pray...Pray for her either she talks to you or not"

My Mind says "From Last two Yrs, I always do "Don’t You Know""

My Heart says "God is with you)"

My Mind Says "Will She come back!"

My Heart Says "#Believe In God, It’s good that you have true feelings )"

My Mind Says "Whatever! Either she will come or not, "I always want to see am smile on her face.""

My Heart says "God Bless her and you too :-)"


My Mind says “I want to take rest................Good Night )"

I BELIEVE IN PRAYERS

I BELIEVE EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON

I BELIEVE EYES ALWAYS TELLS THE TRUTH

I BELIEVE EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT ONE FINE DAY.......


My Heart Says: "You had turned into a new leaf :-)"