Height of Love or Kaminapanti (unscrupulous) ???

Arjun and Anjali were in the same college. Adolescence is an interesting face of life. Guys get to learn many new things and girls start getting undue attention, particularly from the senior guys. Well some smart girls also make their first boyfriend. Arjun had a crush on Anjali. He had even expressed his love to Anjali many times, but she was not interested neither in Arjun nor in any other guy. She was matured enough to think beyond love and wanted to concentrate more on her studies. Gradually Arjun was getting obessed with Anjali. He wanted to win her heart at any cost, but he didn’t know how? Some of his friends had tried to help him. His best friends named Ajay played a mediator role and exchanged messages between them. But Anjali was not at all interested. Arjun was getting crazy and his condition was becoming miserable day by day. Anjali’s thoughts and images kept occupying his mind. Then one day, out of the blue Arjun had an idea. He thought to write a love letter to Anjali. Well, not an ordinary one, but love word written with letters of dripping blood, his own blood.

It was the middle of the night and Arjun was pretending to sleep. His parents were already asleep in the next room. Arjun calmly got down from his bed and started to walk toward the store room and searching for the tool box. He picked a cutter and stare at its extremely sharp edge. Arjun wanted to cut his skin to get some blood. He placed a small cup on the table to collect his vital fluids. He was little confused with where he should cut? Lost in his thoughts, he was very anxious and also very scared. He was sunk in an ocean of emotions. Even though Arjun distracted by annoying mosquito sounds and their bites, but those tiny irritating creatures couldn’t take away the feelings he had that moment. Arjun tried to be calm as he feared his parents might wake up. It was long night for him, but he was successful in his mission. He managed to express his heart in a couple of lines, written entirely in blood.

The next day on his friend passed his note to Anjali. The guy had conveyed to her that Arjun had written it with his blood. Anjali read those beautiful words. She took the letter close to her nose and inhaled a cloud of air making a loud sniffing sound. She smelled blood and become very emotional. She looked at Arjun and their eyes met. Anjali didn’t know what to do and she was on the verge of crying. Anjali hadn’t spoken to Arjun for the last few months and now she wanted to talk to him. She became very emotional for Arjun, but she was still hesitating to talk to him directly. During lunch break she talked to Arjun’s best friend Ajay. And Anjali said to him that she was very disturbed.

“Why Arjun had to do this?” I’m feeling so guilty. I was always rude to him. He loves me so much, he had cut his finger to write me”, said Anjali and tears streamed down her cheeks.

On seeing her condition Ajay felt very bad and said, Anjali,’ I have to tell you something. Actually, last night Arjun had seriously thought to cut his finger and take out sufficient amount of blood to write a long letter to you. But he was scared to hell. He tried his best, but couldn’t dare to cut his finger. He then came up with an idea. During these monsoon days, Arjun’s house is usually a shelter for mosquitoes and they use to suck his blood all the time. Last night he had killed about 15-20 mosquitoes with his hands, all of them were healthy and loaded with fresh human blood. Arjun somehow managed to write; a couple of lines using those mosquitoes blood’.

PS: This is a true story, but the names of the characters have been changed.iHis friends plahd

Sshhhhh.... I’ve Got to Confess!!!

I have received a very large increase in traffic lately, due to posts I wrote. It has caused quite an emotional rollercoaster for me because of the negative comments and opinions that have been directed toward me. After much thought, I have decided to make a statement:

The Inklings of Life is MY blog. It is a place where I can vent, express my opinions, share my advice and my life stories. I stand behind every single post I have posted, and every word of every post. I don't expect everyone to agree with everything I have to say. That's what makes life so interesting- diversity. But, if you have ventured onto my blog looking to berate me or my readers, then keep on clicking- that behavior is not tolerated here. If my blog is not for you, then simply move on and find one better suited for you. I can tell you now, I won't lose sleep over the fact that you aren't here. The people who understand my words, and appreciate what I have to say, even if they don't always agree with me, are the ones who are meant to be here, and it's those people who I will continue to write to, continue to entertain, continue to respect, and continue to protect.

But I will say that I don't spend my time sitting around, waiting for comments to moderate; I do have a life. So, if your comment doesn't make it through immediately, it's probably because I'm spending time with my family, or enjoying with friends.

For those who have been with me for the last 2 years (or 1 year, or 1 month, or 1 week, but you feel at home here), thank you. You all have become a family for me, and have helped me create a space where I am comfortable sharing my thoughts, my goals, my downfalls, my insecurities, and a place where you can share your own, through comments on my posts, or by emailing me directly.

For those who want to leave comments berating me or calling me names, I have to wonder where your time would be better spent, because, as far as I'm concerned.

No one has a gun held to your head, demanding you read my blog. No one is telling you to take time out of your busy life to tell me that I'm a *%#^&@%^&$%#. And to be quite honest, no one who reads this blog on a regular basis will care what you have to say. So, if your opinion of me or my writing is that strong, then by all means, start your own blog and share your opinion there.

I will continue to post that are written from my heart, no matter what the topic. Through all of the strife caused by one particular post I wrote over a year ago, I have received great advice from many family members and friends. My favorites have been:

If you pissed someone off with your writing, then you must have done something right.

No publicity is bad publicity.

And the one I have taken to heart the most:

For every person who disagrees with what you say, there is another person there who appreciates the fact that you said it, and will not only continue to read your blog, but share it with their friends. The haters will go away and find something else to hate, but the people who are meant to find you, will, and they'll be happy to stay.

This is why I write to help make sense of the chaotic world around me, and inside of me, and to help find others going through the same thing. And this is exactly why I will continue to write.

Today let me tell you one more incident happened today ….. Take it as my confession or just a post.

Talking to a friend today, over phone, something unusual happened.  I won’t get into the details, but the bottom line is: I realize how I lost him and many other friends that I once used to have. Something happened last year that changed me completely as a person. After that incident, I was no longer the sweet, caring person that I was. I stopped caring about several things that were of utmost importance to me once.

Incidentally, that incident collided with the starting of my Blog “myheartreviews” and my status in my facebook profile. After that, my “friends” thought of my changed behavior as something like a by-product of the little fame I started to get. They took my careless attitude towards everything as arrogance. No one cared enough to find out exactly why I was like this. Instead, they chose to ignore me, hate me about how mean I am.

But remember, I don’t care? I had other things to take care of. Unpleasant things and so, slowly, the distance crept in. And I didn’t care. I was too busy writing silly post on my blog to keep myself engaged and away from things I didn’t want to, and wasn’t capable of dealing with.

And today, I realize that the distance now is too much to be filled. I’ve lost them, and I’ve lost them for good. They liked the boy I was. They hate the boy I am. I have been told these things, in very clear words, coming from their mouths, more than once.

I want to tell them, and I know they are reading this, that it’s not like I’m not sweet anymore. It’s just that I have chosen a set of people to whom I’ll be so. Some of them appreciate it; most of them don’t give a shit. But then, it’s not a lifetime deal, is it? I’ll realize when the limit is and I will stop. And they won’t even notice.

Anyway, back to the point now. Who’d wake up nights for me? When I ask myself this question I often used to think about before, I feel nothing but sadness. I’ll do a lot of things for a lot of people. Lot of things I don’t tell other people I’m doing because they’ll tell me what the truth is: I’m being used. But I can’t help it. I’m kind of incapable of thinking rationally. I have two extremes: Either I can be exceptionally sweet to someone, or I can be exceptionally rude to them. And there is nothing in between.

I love them, and I’ll do anything for them. But will I get the same treatment that they get from me? Will they do the same things for me? Will they do even half of it for me? Even 10%? No, they won’t. No one will.

Who’d wake up nights for me? No one And I might pretend that I don’t care, but the truth is: I do. Everyone does. I just try to ignore all that and keep myself busy, writing some more stupid post about my feelings and experiences. Truth is hard to face.

P.S: I sometimes feel jealous of people I am sweet too. I wish someone treated me like that.

Stranger than fiction...!!!!!

Everyday had always been same for me however today was completely different.

I don't know but when I woke up and saw one incoming call on my cell phone from her number. She never called me so I couldn't believe and kept staring at the incoming call list and her number. It was 6:30 am and I was feeling sleepy so I didn't try to notice or call her because I missed her call however I kept trying to figure it out who actually attended this call because my Bro was not at home. Then I thought to call her, who else could tell me, better if she had called me or not. On the top of that I couldn't recall if I talked to her or not (sometimes I curse my memory).

I was afraid if I had told her something what she might not like. At the same time there were thousand things running across my mind.

Finally I (the strong side of mine) dialed her number and clicked on the red button on the cell phone before ring. I tried couple of times and did the same thing unless my strong side manage to win my weak side and here's the voice for which I can do anything; "hello, hello...!" I don't know but I kept mum, lost into her voice so much that my mind was blank with only one picture in my mind and that was hers. I suddenly tried to regain my consciousness and answer the call; 'hey, how are you doing... I guess you called me and I was sleeping... so what are you doing' (shut up kashyap… don't ask too many questions at one time, I said to myself). And she again spoke in her sweet voice; "Yup, I called you but you were too busy sleeping so I hung up".

She said again; "where are you now, are you still sleepy?" I woke up and realized that she was on phone and I was thinking, but I still managed to reply; "I was wondering if we can meet". (Oh my God!!!! did I actually say that???I can't believe it). Than there was a long silence, seems all the traffic in my street had been asked to stop and that further increased my tension and blood in my veins started flowing faster than usual. Fan stopped to make sound and suddenly there was a voice breaking this sound... off course it was hers;"Why do you want to meet, I think It’s not good for both, everything has been cleared… are you all right kashyap!!! You know my family would never allow me to… I never did this in my life. Don’t want to go against them & hurt my parents" It was a sudden shock for me and I started feeling like a guy in Pakistan who asked a girl to meet him and why the hell I always like girls whose parents interrupt smh in my love story…... I tried my best to think of a response and said; "Kuhu, please I just want to see you… I miss you so much. My last request to you… can’t you fulfill???”

I actually said that without any second thoughts in my mind I wondered how I could be so emotional and romantic to say all these things. I patted on the strong side of mine and ball was in her court and I really hate this game of passing balls to each other's court and wait for the response.

"Thak Thak Thak....Doorbell ring...ting tong… ting tong". And I woke up cursing myself that it was all dream... what if my friend would have come a bit later and she could say something... (Doorbell kept ringing...)What if all this would have happened in real and she would be ready to meet me. (Doorbell kept ringing...)What if..What if... and I opened the door with this 'What if' in my mind and this grew my belief stronger that my friend is a real brat who always come at the wrong time and never come when I am dreaming something really bad or scary. I gave him a weird look which he did not understand and I rolled myself on my bed again with a hope to see the same dream.

I wish if there would have been a rewind or repeat button to repeat the dreams. I started cursing the entire scientist in the world if they could have done something in this field as well, after all this was necessary for me and they always say, "Necessity is the mother of invention". And I wonder why not in my case?

See you guys and I wish I have that dream again and tell you the next…..

Ei Nijjhum raate moner kotha....

It sure is strange how things go along and then BAM! There’s some action.

I will write in my next post what happened last week and it went something like this: I wish I could explain what I feel and went through but let me try…. Here I just want to say something to my love “Kuhu” One thing I knew that everything might be messed up…

But it is not the end.

Dear Kuhu,

I remember when I first met you and how you instantly smiling when you saw me. You were in blue kurti & jean, what you had whatsapp me before. Most of the times I think how we became real good friends and fell in love with each other... 

We've been talking for 2 weeks now, and you become pretty fucking dope for me.  I guess the easiest way to describe it is, say there’s a line between “friendship” and “relationship”. We are directly ON that line. But my problem doesn't lie with you; neither the problem lies with me…. Problem is misunderstandings which have been created between our families.

But there’s something missing, something I can’t describe properly. The ingredients are there to potentially have something pretty awesome, seeing as I’m one of the pickiest stupid in the world and you fit me. But I guess what’s missing on my part is the spark.  Like, I would want to be with you,

Maybe something deep inside of me is telling me that this girl is the one for whom I was waiting. 

Those paths of solitude that I have been walking are now a farewell with your presence. More than that, I fail to remember the paths because of the joys, wonderful delights of love and care that you've shown me.

With your arrival, I now measure my love to you in terms of joy each share with the other… with some troubling tears that you at times shed… with your smiles and sweet voice and the way are here for me.

More than that, despite the distance we share, your 2 hours presence has taught me to miss you in your absence. Some say life is a transition while some say it to be a fragile thread between love and fate. With your graceful arrival, I confide to the latter. Your love to me was indeed a fate which I had always longed for. More than that, the fate now seems an ordained destiny of togetherness.

These are the very moments when I need to be with you, and you need to be with me because in the end, it’s only you and me…

Kuhu! In your life’s journey, whenever you take a step forward, you will always find a shadow behind you. Turn behind to see it, you will find solitude, but if you feel, you will find me… always with you… right next to you… watching you with a smile and saying, “Good! Keep it up and go on” when you succeed. Likewise, feel me when you’re down, I’ll say, with more love and care, “never mind Dear.

I love you and will always do. When I close my eyes, I see you, and when I need you, I hear your voice notes while seeing your picture and feel your presence… is how you’re precious to me. That is why not everyone has you. That is why I have you. I love you and have no words to say how much you mean to me. I love you. I love you until the last breath I breathe…until the last second I live…until the immortal time ends…I love you.

I handed you a promise of love till death do us apart. I don't know what's in future but I'll fight for you.

Yours and only yours,

Kashyap

Office Romance : My True Story

she: The world has said it.  I’m waiting for you.

I : oh !! yes!!  best of luck and don't shout this time.

she: why do I need luck ?

I : I kind of thought you were going for your review meeting.

she: duh ! Why are you always like this?

I : Did I miss something ?

she: Did you even looked at me. For God sake.

I : ok !!

she: Everybody noticed me, said I’m looking beautiful, but you didn't even noticed.

I : wow !! You really look stunning today.

she: I really don't care what others say.

I : I mean you really are looking so good. Did you lose some weight, too? I think that make you even more sexy.

she: very funny. huh!! I thought... but never mind.

I : ok !! Say now

she: I wore this suit, put some extra kajal, lip gloss, my heels...  everyone said I’m looking nice. And you...

I : I noticed

she: I think I made all these efforts in vain

I : I noticed you look different

she: duh! I shouldn't have done all this, at least not for you

I:  but I really noticed that you're actually looking beautiful today.

she: it doesn't matter anymore.

I : but listen...

she: now what ?

I : you know naah, I can't do this so openly.

she: so, you could have messaged.

I : oh yes !! Of course.

she: I put in so much of effort, only and only for you

I : ok ok, now don't be angry. And...  Did I tell you how beautiful you look with this intensity in your eyes... it just kills me...  oh my god.

she: tell me more.

I : I’ll, but at the food counter. Let’s go, grab a bite, I’m hungry.

She giggles, I sighs and we both move, hand in hand.




P.S: This is a work of fiction but relation with reality is quite possible. 

My Untold Love Story... (Part-1)

Sometime it’s very hard to write some stories on papers. Not because they are tough to explain but actually they are so painful that even thinking about those real incidents fills your eyes with tears and shakes your body in pain. I am writing one such a story (with a few imaginary sentences). But a few years back I have definitely seen, what people often refer as LOVE…….. This taught me the actual meaning of love. Friends! some love stories have very happy endings, some have very sad. But some stories end with leaving nothing for the pages of history. That’s why I have chosen one of them to draft on papers in my story, so that this story remain forever in reader’s hearts.

She & me, we were classmates, very much close to each other. I said very close because I don’t have a scale to measures how much close we were to each other. We knew, we can’t ever afford to live without each other. It was almost like falling in love but still being as if doesn’t know anything. The Most common part to define our love was I jumped, she jumped. I cried, she too. I had understood her & so did she. But unfortunately we couldn’t ever express our feelings to each other. And this turned out to be the biggest mistake for us. It was the biggest turning point, which took our destiny to other way.

After schooling I left the city for some reasons. Years after schooling we met each other on facebook. We started chatting with each other. Both cried a lot as if we were missing each other deadly. Both of us were dying to hear each other’s voice. We exchanged the cell number through facebook. I still remember I was on chat on facebook with her; I suddenly got a call on my cell from an unknown number. I was afraid because I didn’t even know who it is. I shockingly pressed the receiving button; suddenly I heard an innocent voice with a smile. Yes it was she & we had a few Conversations  which I would like to present in a direct speech form.

She: Hey, how are you? Where were you???? You have no idea for how long I searched you but I couldn’t find. You become so smart! kya baat hai!

I: uhhmmmmm…. I’m fine….. (Paused) (I was shocked as she called me)

She: What happened? I think you are not comfortable talking to me…. hhmmm fine, get some rest, we can talk some other time and she hung up.

She texted me, “you are same as you were in school” J  . Shy!!!!

I was so happy as I found her, but I didn’t have that courage to tell her that I love her since school days. How could I make her realize that I had been searching her from the school time to till now…  I was good on painting which she knew since the school time. I wanted to give her a beautiful painting as a gift. No one would believe what I did for that. I made a sketch of her J . It was just her face which I sketched by my own imagination because I didn’t have her picture. I made a plan to meet her & give my sketch. I called to put a request to meet me but  may be my fortunate, before I say, She said “ I want to meet you”. I said “ok let’s meet tomorrow”. I couldn’t sleep for a whole night because of thinking about her & about what I’m going to say & what I’m going to do for her.  It was a Diwali night; we made a plan to meet at her place. Everywhere it was full of fun & happiness but my happiness was more among of others. I did my best to make myself a good personality either it’s well dress up or something on me which could make me better. I have seen people going by car or either by bike. I had nothing like that. My dad had a LML Scooter which he used to take for his job. When I remember that day, my eyes still use to be with full of tears because I left nothing just to see her happy. I took my LML scooter & went on my destination which was on her place (her home). It was around 10:30 at night, I parked my scooter on her yard. I was sweating with the nervousness. My body was trembling but I knew however I had to meet her. I rang the door bell. After more than 3 minutes the door got opened. I saw a face which made me again more nervous, It was she. I starred her from top to bottom. A girl with a purple suit, long straight hair, beautiful eyes. I have no words about her beauty of that day. She smiled & hugged me. When she was in my arms, I thought as if I got my dream & I was so happy. She took me inside & introduced her mom. She asked about a sketch I made for her but I said that I forgot it to bring. Actually I had it in my bag I was just nervous to give her in front of her mom because it was a sketch of her own  face. She insisted me to have something to eat but I pretended as if I have very important work to be finished.  May be after 5minutes, I left from there. She called me twice when I was on my way back to my home but I thought of talking to her after I reach home. I reached home, went in my room, Looked on my mobile, There was something which she had texted & I replied for that…… (Conversation starts)

She:  I still remember you were very good in drawing. Hey, whenever I will get marry, will you come an apply mehndi on my hands.

I: uhhmmm…. But?

She: What?

I: how can I?

She: Why?

I: I don’t know but I can’t…… (Paused)

She: Hey, are you there? What happened to you?

She: Hey,

She: Can I ask you something?

I: Yeah…

She: Do you love me?

I: uhhmm Ya (whisper)

She: Why didn’t you tell me before…..? Paagal…. You know one thing even “I love you.”

I: Sobbing…. (My eyes got numb)

She: You are so shy… ufffff! Come to my place and meet me, even my mom wants to meet you. I desperately want to see you again. So whenever I feel alone, I need you, I will call you, please come even though it may be just for 5 mins.

I: Yeah sure, just give me a call, let me know & I will be there but it’s already late night so you need to take some rest.

She: Ok we will talk tomorrow, goodnight & thanks for coming.

I: Goodnight & take care!

Even though I said her goodnight but I only know how I spent that rest of the night. The whole night   brought only the questions whether I can keep her happy or not, are my whole things sufficient for her to be comfortable or not? Because there were lots of things she didn’t even know for which, I was inferior then her status.

As she belongs to a very rich family where I belong to middle & I knew, one day our status {economical, family} is going to be a strong reason for whatever consequence happens in our love. Every day I used to remind her about our status, she always used to change the topic & used to say “I love you not because of your status or may be a family prestige but I love you because you are a guy having a pure & positive heart”.

As I said, I belong to a middle class family. I didn’t even get an enough pocket money like other guys when I was in my college. Every day, I used to get only Rs 100 from my parents for my lunch & travelling. I still remember, I had a Nokia 1100 phone. The money I used to get for my lunch & travel, I used to recharge my phone & call her & that used to be a happiest moment for me no matter how hungry I’m. At the end, I used to request my friends to drop me till home because my college was a far distance.

One day I came to know that she’s having a best friend named Raj (name has been changed). She said that she has even spoken to him about me & my paintings. But when she said that he got angry when he heard about me from her, I felt something different which was out of toleration seriously saying. I didn’t say anything, just left from there. In the evening she called me & said that she spoke to her mom about my paintings & me. She even said that her mom wants to meet me. But she suddenly changed the topic & started talking about Raj(name changed).

She: I don’t  know why Raj got angry when I told him about you………& you know what he is just back here from abroad after completing his study J He has a car which is my favorite one J…….

Me: I know what happened to him. He is a guy has got a better education than me from abroad. He has got everything & me??? Nothing….. Might be he loves you more L…

But my last sentence made her hanging up the phone. I texted her to know the reason for why did she hang up my call, but not even a single reply came for 2 days. I kept texting & texting, Calling & calling; I don’t know how I have to say it. She suddenly called & said “…………

To be continued…