I Pretend I Don't Care, But Deep Down It Still Hurts...!!!

Talking to a friend today, over phone, something unusual happened.  I won’t get into the details, but the bottom line is: I realize how I lost him and many other friends that I once used to have. Something happened earlier this year that changed me completely as a person. After that incident, I was no longer the sweet, caring person that I was. I stopped caring about several things that were of utmost importance to me once.

Incidentally, that incident collided with the starting of my Blog “O my Heart” and my status in my facebook profile. After that, my “friends” thought of my changed behavior as something like a by-product of the little fame I started to get. They took my careless attitude towards everything as arrogance. No one cared enough to find out exactly why I was like this. Instead, they chose to ignore me, hate me about how mean I am.

But remember, I don’t care? I had other things to take care of. Unpleasant things and so, slowly, the distance crept in. And I didn’t care. I was too busy writing silly post on my blog to keep myself engaged and away from things I didn’t want to, and wasn’t capable of dealing with.

And today, I realize that the distance now is too much to be filled. I’ve lost them, and I’ve lost them for good. They liked the boy I was. They hate the boy I am. I have been told these things, in very clear words, coming from their mouths, more than once.

I want to tell them, and I know they are reading this, that it’s not like I’m not sweet anymore. It’s just that I have chosen a set of people to whom I’ll be so. Some of them appreciate it; most of them don’t give a shit. But then, it’s not a lifetime deal, is it? I’ll realize when is the limit and I will stop. And they won’t even notice. Just like you didn’t.

Anyway, back to the point now. Who’d wake up nights for me? When I ask myself this question I often used to think about before, I feel nothing but sadness. I’ll do a lot of things for a lot of people. Lot of things I don’t tell other people I’m doing because they’ll tell me what the truth is: I’m being used. But I can’t help it. I’m kind of incapable of thinking rationally. I have two extremes: Either I can be exceptionally sweet to someone, or I can be exceptionally rude to them. And there is nothing in between.

I love them, and I’ll do anything for them. But will I get the same treatment that they get from me? Will they do the same things for me? Will they do even half of it for me? Even 10%? No, they won’t. No one will.

Who’d wake up nights for me? No one. And I might pretend that I don’t care, but the truth is: I do. Everyone does. I just try to ignore all that and keep myself busy, writing some more stupid post about my feelings and experiences. Truth is hard to face.

P.S I sometimes feel jealous of people I am sweet to. I wish someone treated me like that.