Sometimes, why do I feel so different?

Why does my brain work differently than others? I'm not just talking about my depression and anxiety, but I mean really different. Like, the whole bigger picture.

I think differently than other people. I see things they don't see. I understand things they can't even begin to imagine. I'm more realistic, down to earth, observant, and aware.  I'm not normal. It's not normal. I'm not just talking about like, regular things. Maybe you are going to have absolutely no idea what I'm trying to say, but I'm going to try anyway.

All my life I've felt different. Almost special, like I can do things and understand things other people can't. I hate myself more than words can describe. But always since I was little, there has always been SOMETHING different that I just don't understand and can't explain. And other people see it in me too. My guidance counselor, teachers, even my parents recognize it sometimes. And for my parents to recognize it, means something is really there.

My whole life I have always wanted to make a difference to someone. I want to make an impact. Change the world. May be not the whole world, but the world of somebody. I feel like I was born different. Born with the ability to change something or do something important. I don't know what it is, but I feel so disconnected and different than everyone else.

I have an amazing ability to notice the unnoticeable.  Observe the most insignificant of details. Be able to tell when someone is lying. Focus on something like you would never think possible. I'm not an amazing writer, and most of time I face problem to find the right words to explain something, even when I can't say it out loud. I can always write it. I just feel so overly aware of absolutely everything. And I can read emotions off of someone's face like a book. It's almost like a game sometimes. Like go ahead, try to play me like a fool. I'm smarter than you think. I see through some people like clear plastic wrap. And it's funny because they have no idea. I learned at a young age how to pick out the manipulative lies from the truth.

My brain is always going. Never shuts off. It's always thinking about how to do things differently than how something is working now, or always trying to figure out what the other person is thinking. By looking at someone's face, I feel like I can almost read their thoughts based on their composure. It's weird. I've always been like that. I think that's where my anxiety stems from. I'm fully aware of when my presence isn't wanted, or someone is in a bad mood but I don't know why. Social anxiety disorder. I really think my skills in reading other people is a bigger obstacle than it is an asset.

Maybe this all sounds completely crazy. I think that sometimes. That other people must think I'm completely nuts. That frustrates me. I'm not crazy at all. I'm one of the calmest and most down to earth people I know. And listen, for me to give myself any credit whatsoever is ridiculously rare. So you know it’s not bullshit.

I don't want my life to go to waste. I want to find my purpose. I need to. In order for me to feel important, or like I'm not just wasting a life, I need to be able to do something important. I don't want to do insignificant things. I don't want to hold the same job for my entire life. Yeah, I'm only 25 and have the whole rest of my life ahead of me, but what if I don’t? What if my life ended tomorrow, or next week, or 3 years from now? What will my life have meant? Who will I have affected? Was I just a waste of space and resources?

Maybe I'm not different or special, but I'm at least a hell of a lot more aware of myself and social cues than anyone I know. I get overwhelmed with details sometimes. Like I have to try to remember everything about a new room I walk into, and every feature on a new person I meet. It gets frustrating when I can't absorb everything. My mom notices that about me. She sees how whenever we go into a new area, my eyes are darting everywhere and my brain is going a million miles an hour. I don't know why I do it. I think it just helps me understand more about the world. Why things are the way they are. Why people do certain things.

I'm always that person that has to know why things are the way they are. I hate not knowing, but I hate not understanding more. If I don't understand something, I'll ask a million questions and read about it until I do.

Or I'll write on here and ask you guys for your opinions. Why do you think I'm like that? What can I do in my life to find a purpose, or to help someone else, or just do something important?  I feel like I need to do something important. I always feel like it's up to me to save the world. Guess that's why I never bother to try to save myself. But seriously, what can I do? Please give me some input.

Alright, well that's my thoughts of the day. Hope I didn't confuse you as much as I confused myself!