No stick was thick enough to beat this feeling out of me....

After I’d been blogging for a while I began thinking about what I would want to say to my parents if they were to find my blog. And so I composed this letter.

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Dear Mom and Dad,

First of all, I love you.

Thank you for investing so much in raising me. Thank you for all the many, many happy memories. Thank you for the days spent romping outside, the weekend camping trips, and the sewing projects that went into the late hours of the night. Thank you for the evenings spent reading aloud, and for the map games we played at the dinner table. Thank you for always making an effort to involve us kids in your lives, dreams, and projects. There is a lot I am grateful to you for.

I know that when you find my blog what you read will cause you pain. I am truly sorry about that. You may wonder why I started this blog, and why I write about things on a public platform like this. Let me see if I can explain.

First, I blog because everything that happened left me scarred. A few years after I finished college, I found a circle of bloggers writing about my feelings. I saw myself in that writing, and I began healing. I joined those bloggers in writing about my experiences, and as I did I began to reach closure and a place of peace. I've been in therapy over what happened between us, and I've laughed and cried and made new friends. It has taken me years to sort through everything, but over time I've healed, grown, and figured out who I am. This blog has been a vital part of that process.

Second, I blog because I want to help others avoid the pain I have felt – and the pain you have felt. You see, I see problems with some of the beliefs and ideologies you hold. I blog against ideas I see as harmful, ideas I have seen cause people pain, whether myself, you, or others around us. I blog sadness for what might have been, what could have been, but wasn't. I’m angry about some of what happened, but mostly I’m sad. I blog in the hopes that others can avoid the problems I've seen and experienced. You taught me to be passionate about what I believe and to have a heart to help others. Well, I am, and I do.

You may wonder why I have kept this blog a secret from you. The truth is that at first it was because I was not strong enough to say these things without anonymity. Later I was simply afraid you might cut me off if you knew that I was speaking openly against the beliefs you hold so dearly. As I remember it, there was some question regarding whether I would be allowed to visit home after marrying against your wishes.

It’s so tiring waking up to a hostile atmosphere where no one listens and you’re forced to act like an adult and take care of yourself every single day.

Even when you try to fix things, nobody cares, because nobody listens.

I have been blessed with all the worldly pleasures one can imagine. My parents simply counter any complains I make by reminding me of all the money I spend, and all the expensive things they get me.

But do they ever lend me an ear?

No, I don’t want the latest cell phone and no, I don’t want go out to eat tonight. I just want my parents to listen to me and my problems and tell me that everything is going to be okay. What’s the point of these luxuries if happiness doesn't come along with them?

Even though I am old enough to stand up for myself today, I know deep down that I will always long for a hug from my father or just some time from my mother. No stick was thick enough to beat this feeling out of me.

Soon after I began blogging I wrote an account of growing up, and of how I experienced the trouble that occurred between us when I was in college. I know that you have your own interpretation of these events, and that I never really told you my perspective. Please read it with an open mind.

With all the love in the world,

Your Eldest Son,

Babu.